fear

i am a jealous person.

simple enough sentence, but the weightage it carries is enormous. what am i jealous of though?

i’m jealous of everyone and everything. i’m jealous when a classmates gets better marks than me. i’m jealous when a friend can spend and spend and spend on clothes while i have nothing left in my wallet. i’m jealous when people eat as much as they want and still don’t put on any weight. i’m jealous that some girls get more admirers than other. i’m jealous when a girl i see has the perfect body that turns heads. i’m jealous that a person is much more atheletic than i am. i’m jealous that some people have perfect families. i’m jealous that other people are so popular. i’m jealous that some people can just multitask and the projects are always successful.

yup, i’m a pretty jealous person. but then, i’m a procrastinator too.

instead of doing something to change my current situation, i rather think about it and fantasize of what could have been instead.

i lack dedication and motivation when doing things. only the fear of failure keeps me going at the best of times. i blame my spm results on the fear that i wouldn’t get any scholarship at all for my college life. i blame my beginning of the year results on the fear that i would not get accepted into uni. and i blame my current results on the fear that the uni would take back my offer.

it’s time i did things not because of the fear that i might never succeed in life, but because it helps me become a better person,.

i’m determined to do the best and be the best person that i can after reading a good story today.

this marks the day that i start doing things for myself and not for the fear of failure.

 

 

xoxo

Joanna